December is a time that evokes nostalgia for the days past. Recently, I opened my old diaries to see what I had written. I noticed how melodramatic my writing was and also what I wished would happen and what I missed in life. From the place I now stand, I see a lot of what I wished for, did happen and a lot more got added to the list of what I missed. But, I feel more at peace now than then. I’m comfortable with failure now than then. I’m more accepting now than then. What changed?
Let me Google it
Shall we go to a movie? wait, let me check the reviews. What should I read next? wait, let me see the reviews. Is the restaurant good? wait, let me see the reviews.
I don’t know when was the last time I did something without first googling to check if anyone had anything to say on it. And, we all know thanks to Google, that everything that crosses our mind has already been done by someone. We are bound to find a ‘how to do this best’ kind of article on everything under the sun. So, why think, when someone has already thought for us? What is the natural extension of this behavior? of seeking out feedback from someone almost all the time? We end up seeking validation for our every move, for our very existence.
Living with Questions
Over the last one year, I’ve not been active on the blog. A lot has happened this year – therapy, shutting down of all social media accounts (even that of this blog), coming to terms with the meaninglessness of life (if you can ever come to terms with it), compromising for peace, realizing limits in influencing others, getting bashed for introversion, finding solace in Ayya Khema’s Buddhist teachings, occasional bouts of ill health, the stress of the master’s program I was involved in – well, life happened. A feeling of overwhelm permeated the entire year.
The Closing of a Bookstore
In 1998, when I was in school and discovered Henry David Thoreau in our text book, I was excited. For the first time in my life it felt I discovered a kindred soul, even if it was across the oceans and across time. I loved nature. I rushed to my school library to find a book on him or the book he had written and was famously known for – Walden. But, unfortunately, the book was checked out. When I enquired as to where I’d be able to get a copy, my librarian said, ‘Walden’. I thought she just repeated the book name. But, she smiled at my bewildered face and replied, ‘in a store named Walden’. That’s when the love affair started.
Slowing Down
I’m running, running and running. I fall down exhausted. I feel this everyday. Not just at the end of the day but even at the start of the day. I wake up exhausted even after a good nigh’t sleep. This ‘constant running’ state has became something I live with on a daily basis. My mental chatter ran like this – ‘There’s so much to do, so much to do, and so little time. Come on, hurry up’. Over the last few months, I’ve been actively trying to find a solution for this. To not feel as if a rabid dog is behind me and all I’m doing the entire day is to run to escape it. As some readers of the blog might surmise that it is time for me to visit a mental health professional, but, I wanted to see if there’s anything I could do to reduce these feelings.