Over the last one year, I’ve not been active on the blog. A lot has happened this year – therapy, shutting down of all social media accounts (even that of this blog), coming to terms with the meaninglessness of life (if you can ever come to terms with it), compromising for peace, realizing limits in influencing others, getting bashed for introversion, finding solace in Ayya Khema’s Buddhist teachings, occasional bouts of ill health, the stress of the master’s program I was involved in – well, life happened. A feeling of overwhelm permeated the entire year.
This year, I’ve been thinking a lot about a few words, actually about the values those words represent – pace, kindness, solitude, consideration, introversion, silence, writing, nourishing, nature, reading, philosophy, sustenance, grace, forgiveness, reflection, craft, healing, restoration, walking, journaling, poetry. These are what are dear to me. These values, put me at odds with the capitalist economy I operate in. The clash between the cut-throat competitiveness required to survive the rat race and the values I value, has been playing on my mind incessantly. How do reconcile them? If reconciliation is not possible, what am I ready to give up? My values, to ‘make it’ in the world? Or the world, to reach the ever elusive contentment? Is there a compromise?
Next, I’ve been called slow, lazy, shy, timid, weak, pedantic, idealistic – not realistic, anti-social, antiquated. People do not have patience with me. Given this, I’ve been wondering, if I need to survive among them, how do I manage that feat? Or, should I survive among them?
I don’t know. I do not have the answers, I’m living with the questions.
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