December is a time that evokes nostalgia for the days past. Recently, I opened my old diaries to see what I had written. I noticed how melodramatic my writing was and also what I wished would happen and what I missed in life. From the place I now stand, I see a lot of what I wished for, did happen and a lot more got added to the list of what I missed. But, I feel more at peace now than then. I’m comfortable with failure now than then. I’m more accepting now than then. What changed?
I think it was a realization that dawned upon me that I cannot control life. That it is bigger than me and is not bound to my expectations. The majority of the frustration was because I expected life to be a certain way which it naturally didn’t. Now, I let go. I let life takes it’s course. I now consider the obstacle is the way.
I’m not an expert. I still struggle. Sometimes the days are dark. But, now I look only for courage to get back up. I don’t look for luck or miracles. Is it perhaps, because I’ve been disappointed so much, that I do not trust luck anymore nor believe in miracles anymore? The unpredictability of life and of people has drilled into me a feeling of insecurity – “this happiness you are feeling right now, won’t last”. But, I’m relaxing into this insecurity. I’m getting comfortable with the notion of – this won’t last. I now also realize even my misery won’t last. It will pass. Joy will pass, sorrow will pass. Life will happen and how I interpret it as good or bad will depend on the vantage point I’m standing on. Life is subjective. There are only causes and effects in life. All I can do is be good in my intent. I now understand that doing good does not mean the result will be good. But, still I do what I think is right because that’s the only thing I can do – the next right thing. I don’t ask more out of life now. Actually, I don’t ask anything of life now. What has to happen will happen. And, I will do what I can do.
(How do you determine the ‘right’ thing? when your decision is based on humanity, kindness and consideration for the other, then it is right. Because you no more think only of yourself, but of the other.)
I don’t hold myself to grueling standards anymore. Nor do I hold anyone to those standards either. If I’m tempted to judge myself, I ask who installed-in me that guilt? Is it born out of my convictions or is it because I feel I did not meet the standards I set for myself, and so by not meeting them, ‘am somehow a lesser man because of it? I realized from my repeated failures that expecting others to meet my standards will only disappoint me. Because, when I myself cannot raise to a circumstance sometimes, how can I expect this of others. And, when others don’t see life the way I see, will they value what I value? No. They won’t. So, I let them be. I don’t bother them. I don’t advise until asked and don’t get disappointed when they don’t follow it. I don’t force them to see life the way I see it. I’m comfortable with letting them follow what they think is right, even when I know it might not result in good. I’m comfortable letting them fail. I do not feel responsible for their lives. (I do not wish ill for anyone. But, I’ve also understood I cannot force my realization onto someone else. They need to arrive at it on their own). I’ve stopped expecting my friends and family to realize my goodness (if any). I’ve stopped expecting company and understanding.
This path of non-reaction (some think I’ve given up) has put me at odds with others. I struggle how to marry this realization with corporate life and success that is expected of a householder. I’ve been told I lack a fire for success, that I don’t go for the kill, that I don’t think of maximizing my resources – all, required for success these days. My learning or wisdom (if it is) has put me at odds with my ‘responsibilities’. Now, I know why monks sell their Ferraris.
I still need to learn how I can fight without being bogged down. How to find the motivation to earn a Ferrari, drive it and let it go without attachment. A long way to go. But, I’m in no hurry. I will get there when I get there. Doing any of this, does not determine my worth. Some people are poor. Some people chose poverty.
I’ve fallen in love with the idea of ‘craftsmanship’ – you are good at what you do. But neither are you perfect, neither is your work perfect and neither do you aim for perfection. You let imperfection add character to what you do. A life lived this way, lets you do what you love for the love of it without expecting perfection or a return.
By writing all the above, I don’t mean to, in anyway project that I’m above everything else. I’m still a deeply flawed individual who still (sometimes) struggles to get through the day, who still does not know a lot, who still questions his own convictions, who still lives with a lot of questions. But, I’m getting comfortable with questions not being answered and with my flaws. I don’t get irritated that I’m unable to go past the struggles of life. I’m getting comfortable with my loneliness. I’m getting comfortable with my imperfections. I’m loving what I’m becoming. And, if this isn’t peace, I don’t know what is. And, if this isn’t achievement, I don’t know what is.
P.S.: God cannot be everywhere. So he created books. I wouldn’t be the same person I am today if not for the books I’ve read. Books that I’ve read over the last few years that have deeply transformed me are those by Ayya Khema, Devdutt Pattanaik, Irvin Yalom and Ryan Holiday. I’m immensely thankful to them. All you need to do when you are down, is open a book.
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