What is Creative Expression? What is Creativity? Why do we wish to create? Can it be taught? Is it an art or science? Can you command it at will? Is being creative important? Should there be space in life for creativity? I’ve been thinking about these questions for sometime now.
I write, that’s how I express myself creatively. But, writing is very cognitive in nature. What I mean to say is, writing involves a lot of thinking about the subject matter, in my case, that subject matter is – Life. And, to me this was THE problem. No matter how much I like to think (this blog after-all is called a A Thinking Man), it was getting too much. I wanted to relieve my mind of thoughts. Sometimes, I just didn’t want to think. I needed my mind to take breaks from thinking from time to time. While alcohol was always an option, I wanted to see if there was any other way.
But, why was I exhausted ‘thinking’? Because thinking more often than not, provides clarity. If you stick with it enough, it lays bare of what you think about your life, and what you should be thinking about life. What is working and what is not. What you find meaningful and what you don’t. It gives clarity as to what you should be doing.
But, living life according to what you should be doing, is never easy. You start life in chains. And, then you willingly put some more on (sometimes in ignorance and sometimes knowingly). And, thinking exposes this truth clearly. This, is why I believe, people do not want to ‘think’. Because they know the truth deep down or are afraid of the truth they’ll discover. They are afraid that, that truth will require of them to change their lives, which they may be reluctant to do. We all want peace, but we are not willing to change for it. We want our circumstances to remain the same, and want peace to fit into it somehow. Since, that is generally not possible, we don’t think actively. We distract ourselves from one goal to another, from one peg to another, from one pleasure to another. We pleasure our bodies in the hope that our souls will follow suit. It doesn’t happen, we know it. But, we don’t stop, lest we realize the truth. So we dangle yet another carrot before ourselves, to wake up and run the race for another day.
I’ve over the last few months come to a stage where I just cannot think anymore. I do not want to shrink away from the truth. But, neither am I ready to give up the life I cobbled together so far. As, someone trying to make both ends (spiritual and material) meet, I feel stretched like Spiderman trying to hold two broken parts of the ship together to stop it from sinking, I was/am perpetually mentally exhausted.
Sometimes, I wish there was a way I could stop thinking or lose myself in an activity that would consume my mind so intently that I’d forget about my ‘thoughts’. And, reading and writing were not cutting it. They were only increasing reflection and rumination.
So, I started to look beyond these two pastimes, to immerse myself physically and mentally and in the process switch off my mind. Gaming, calligraphy and drawing did not stick. Then, I remembered getting lost in the zoo with my brother-in-law’s DSLR. So, I decided to give photography a try.
I bought myself a beginner’s camera.
After a month or so then, I went to ‘Quli Qutub Shah Tombs’ to see what I could capture. Without realizing I had spent 4 hours there. I was absorbed, intently focused on the present, taking-in my surroundings, in observing, noticing patterns, angles, architecture, that I lost track of time. I didn’t think anything but about getting a good photograph. The relief I experienced from being cut off from my own thoughts was healing. My mind rebelled after it realized I had tricked her. ‘To what end? You are not going to become a pro? Don’t you think people haven’t taken pictures of this location before? Who do you think you are? It’s just an expensive diversion. And, you are just being irresponsible, like a kid’.
Quickly, I realized, I needed another hit to douse this round of thinking.
Next, I dragged my family on a small trip to visit ruins of a lost dynasty. The experience repeated itself. It repeated again in Anantagiri Hills. I needed photography now not because I was becoming a “photographer” but because it has now become my meditation.
But, creativity, impostor syndrome, self doubt, self criticism, go hand in hand. Scrolling through Instagram reveals every picture that can be taken under the sun has already been taken. Your mind makes it a point to rub it into you that you and your work is inconsequential and that you should also become a couch potato and watch Netflix than stroll onto the streets looking stupid, with a bag on your shoulder.
And, then there are the costs associated with the hobby:
- Putting together a basic kit (camera and lens) that covers enough focal lengths, is expensive.
- You need a decent computer/laptop/monitor that you can use to edit your pictures.
- You need to either buy or subscribe to software to help you be creative with your pictures.
- You need storage solutions in terms of hard disks and/or cloud solutions.
- Last, but not the least, you need to travel. For interesting pictures, after all, you need to stand before interesting things.
All this, quickly made me despondent. Photography without enough monetary support is not sustainable. And, this along with the self-criticism was enough to hang-up my boots.
A few months into this lull, into the pandemic, out of sheer boredom I wanted to see what I could photograph at home. And, I was back in the zone while clicking pictures of my writing table and books. Then, I decided to take it slow and to focus on what I could do now with what I have and where I am. I started taking photographs of whatever/whomever was available to me. People, nearby places, whatever I could take pictures of, I started clicking.
Accepting that I don’t have to prove to anyone anything. That I don’t need to be called a “photographer”, I consciously now decide, before every project, that it is only for my personal satisfaction and reprieve that I’m shooting. This approach has freed me from my critical self and helped me slow down and enjoy the process.
I follow photographers I like on Instagram for inspiration. I share, not to accumulate followers or to build a brand, but it is easy to share with a few friends. I have no intention of turning this passion into a hustle. Nothing kills creativity faster than expecting it to earn an income. It’s a crutch to stay sane. I know none of this will matter in the long run, that everything is inconsequential and will come to naught. But, legacy is anyways overrated, just look at history.
What matters is how this hobby is helping me live now. How slowly I breathe with the camera in hand while looking at the scenery before me. How, these outings have blanked out my mind. How, I look forward to every day to learn something new about the craft and something new about myself as I change, with my camera in hand.
Some of my pictures can be viewed at: BySaiKorivi or you can follow me on Instagram
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