I wanted to close my blog. Though I’ve been writing (albeit on and off) for twelve years now, I still swing between battling despondency – why write? who bother? who cares? and if what I write is worth the money I spend maintaining the blog? – and an urge to share with the world, what I want to say.
Having a platform to say something creates a sense of self importance, that you, if not others, think it is important for others to hear what you want to say. That sense of self importance sometimes clouds your judgement into thinking you are wiser and knowledgeable than others. That somehow, you can preach to others, because after-all you have a pulpit. You see yourself as a teacher, a wise man, a learned man, a thinking man. It gets to your head – you know better than others. And, it is your obligation to ‘enlighten’ others.
This sense of self importance is something I’ve battled over the years. But, experiences make us wiser. And, I’ve realised that neither am I wise nor knowledgeable. That, after-all, I don’t have anything new to say, that was not already said before, and that I definitely don’t need to preach and others absolutely don’t need to hear me. And, that probably the world would be a better place with me not adding to the cacophony of opinions already out there.
And, that I’m equally, if not more flawed than my fellow compatriots. Friends and family, laugh at the irony – a flawed individual thinking he can help others deal with their flaws. After-all, if he could help, shouldn’t he be helping himself? This thought does put a gag on me.
So, why still maintain this blog? Why still ‘say’? Because some cannot loosen their own chains but can nonetheless redeem their friends. I never started this blog with an intent to help others with my ‘wisdom’. All, I wanted to do was to share my journey, so that they may pick from it what they find helpful. And, so I still write.
Is this effort worthy it in the end? Doesn’t matter. Because it is worthy to me. Atleast for now. So, the blog will live for some more time.
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