Through Covid Hell

10 days back my grandmother tested positive for Covid. Then, a few days later, my mother tested positive, followed by my uncle. They showed mild symptoms and were duly put under medication. It was very scary and I was worried.

Everyday news was filled with one horror story after another. Oxygen crisis in one place, medicine unavailability in another. I’ve known a lot of my own friends and acquaintances lose their loved ones to the disease. So, my fear was palpable. Anxiety was at the extreme. I was worrying about even slight variations in the vitals of not one but three family members.

I would pace restlessly. I would jump out of the seat whenever the phone rang. I would call/visit them at odd hours just to check how they were doing, how their oxygen levels were holding up, and if they now had any symptoms. I would stay awake at night.

When I was not in their presence, my mind was abuzz with questions: “How would I manage if things went south? Where would I find a bed? How can I procure oxygen? Will I be able to afford Remdesivir in black market? How long will I be able to afford keeping them in hospital? Are they taking medicines properly? Are the Oximeters working properly? Are they able to take the readings correctly? Do they have enough medicines? Are they taking steroids? What if it leads to ‘Black fungus’? Today went well? Can I sleep peacefully for the night? What if something happens during the night? What if they call and I miss the call? Oxygen was at 97, 2 hours back, why did it fall to 96 now? Is this the start of decline of their health? How would I judge myself if I cannot save them? Would I contract Covid from them? Would I pass onto someone in the family? Will I make it, if I test positive?”

I knew, there were a lot of ‘what-ifs?’, but you need to think about all scenarios so that you can be properly prepared, right?

Carefully, at the end of each day, I’d note that one more day in quarantine was successfully completed. One more day done, only a few more to go. Would I feel happy? No, anxiety would gnaw at me. What if things turn sour in the last moment? I could only imagine the worst. I was mentally tired. I was physically tired. My chest would ache as if I was going to have an heart attack. Breathing was becoming laborious as these thoughts ran through my mind. I was having panic attacks.

Some friends were regularly in touch with me, helping me hold it together. Some, stopped being in touch, perhaps wondering how they could help me.

What these few days have shown me, is how helpless we can become. How our lives are hovering on the edge of the abyss. How, without a moment’s notice life can throw a wringer at us.

Well-wishers tell me all will be well, and ask me to be optimistic. News would have me believe that every Covid story has a bad ending. Philosophy taught me, that show will go on, come what may. I don’t know how this story will end. Our family may be the luck ones to make it out safely. Or, they may not. I do not know yet. But, on one particularly anxiety ridden day, I wrote this for myself:

Come what may, this day will have only 24 hours
Come what may, the sun will set tonight
Come what may, the darkness will end with another sunrise
Come what may, roses will bloom, the birds will chirp and snow will fall
Come what may, movies will be shot, music will be composed, books will be written, art will be made
When come what may, the world moves on, it breaks something in you.
But, when come what may, the world moves on, it’ll gladden your heart to know that the world hasn’t stopped with you or for you
Come what may, there will be another day.
Come what may, there’ll be a movie to watch, a song to hum, a sunset to watch, a life to go back to (even if it is a new one)
Come what may, life will go on.
So, take heart, O heart.