I’m running, running and running. I fall down exhausted. I feel this everyday. Not just at the end of the day but even at the start of the day. I wake up exhausted even after a good nigh’t sleep. This ‘constant running’ state has became something I live with on a daily basis. My mental chatter ran like this – ‘There’s so much to do, so much to do, and so little time. Come on, hurry up’. Over the last few months, I’ve been actively trying to find a solution for this. To not feel as if a rabid dog is behind me and all I’m doing the entire day is to run to escape it. As some readers of the blog might surmise that it is time for me to visit a mental health professional, but, I wanted to see if there’s anything I could do to reduce these feelings.
I reflected as to what triggers it. Themes started to emerge. Anxiety generated by having to handle ambiguous situations especially those I was not confident I could handle, too many commitments, (and a toxic combination of both), lack of proper sleep, physical exhaustion, not having enough time to unwind, endless stream of information to keep a tab on, social networking and the inadvertent comparison that springs from it, all of these daily occurrences were contributing to this phenomenon. I pondered on the moments I felt I was in my element – natural surrounding, lack of technology, result oriented work, books, lots of unstructured time, fewer commitments, this was me. Too much stimuli than I could handle – this was the reason I felt I was always in a hurry.
Over the last few months, I made a few changes to my lifestyle.
I don’t browse social media – While I was once on Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, Pinterest, Instagram, I now use only Instagram. Facebook, which I quit a few years back was one of the best decisions I took. No matter how much you want don’t want to compare, your day to day mundane life against other’s highlights reel was enough to sap your energy and send you into a negative spiral wondering what didn’t go right in your life. For me, Facebook just highlighted how unlucky I was and how many decisions didn’t pan out. After quitting it, I felt much better.
I intentionally don’t follow anyone I know on Instagram. I basically follow a few photographers, hobbyists I like and wonder at how beautiful the world can be. So far I haven’t seen negative effects of being on Instagram other than knowing what all there is to buy. But, one itch I had to overcome was ‘looking at my life in instagrammable moments’. I don’t share anything on social media. My life is private – with all it’s mistakes, warts and all, it’s for my eyes only. It’s not up for anyone’s judgement. I refuse to peg my life’s worth on number of likes and hearts.
I moved away from technology – From using phone/tablet extensively, I’ve consciously reduced the usage. I hardly use a tablet and after reducing the number of social networks, my usage of phone also has come down. I now journal and capture adhoc thoughts in my traveler’s notebook than in Day One. I now read more physical books than ebooks. I use pen and paper to track my to-dos than productivity apps. I don’t follow websites for news. I read a newspaper. I use the ‘screen time’ feature on my phone to monitor the time I spend using the phone. And, after de-linking my workflow from technology, I find the pace at which my life runs has slowed down.
Reduced commitments – This world is an amazing place. There’s so much to do, so much to see, so much to read, so much to listen. All excellent stuff. I have so many iTunes playlists to listen to, I have so many podcasts to listen to, I have so many books to read, so many websites to explore, so many places to see, so many hobbies to be explored, so many experiences to be had. But, so little time. Naturally I felt I had to hurry. Free time that was supposed to be relaxing became a race trying to cram as much as I could in the finite amount of time I had. This lead to a couple of frustrations – that I did not have enough time, that I would never be able to do all that I wanted to enjoy and that I was not enjoying because I was always hurrying and wondering if I should be spending time doing something else for the maximum result.
I had to make peace. I had to declare to myself loudly that I’d never be able to enjoy all the great music out there, read all the amazing books out there and spend time on all the amazing hobbies I wanted to explore. I had to choose. And, choose a few. Few, that I could manage, that gel well with my natural pace. I cut down lot of commitments to focus only on a few now. It was not easy to quell the thought that I’m missing out on all that wonderful stuff I removed from my life. But, for the sake of sanity, I swung the axe.
Now, I have less to do. Pace of life has slowed. I re-read old favourites. I spend time lingering on the balcony watching the sunset not worried about how else I could be spending the time. Peace returned not because I did a lot, but because I did less. But, it’ll not be honest if I don’t admit I don’t miss out on other past-times. But, feeling the cool breeze of the night and watching the moon move across the sky make it worthwhile.
Reply