When you grow up in a household with a physically abusive dad and emotionally unavailable mother; in an environment where you don’t know if you’d get enough to eat that week; where you don’t know when you are going to get the cane and for what; where you don’t know if you’ll still be staying in the same house the next month because the rent is not paid, it impacts you.
I couldn’t rely on the adults in the house to attend to my emotional needs, they were unpredictable. I wouldn’t know when I would get into trouble and for what. So, to get through the day, I often relied on my toys to give me emotional succor. I would create a small world for myself in the corner of the family bed with a teddy bear, turtles figurines, a Nintendo Game Boy, and a few books, all handed down to me/gifted by my younger cousin, who used to visit from the US. They constituted the world I would escape into, when I could no longer bear to stay in the house, but had to. These toys were my crutches. The only constants in a household of unreliable adults.
When a child grows up in such volatile atmosphere, they grow a deep need for personal space, for a piece of land that would not be snatched from right under their feet, for a safe space that doesn’t threaten the child’s survival. For the child growing up felt very unsafe. He felt homeless in his own home.
Growing up in such emotionally turbulent household, rendered me always feeling homeless, helpless, powerless, cynical and expecting people to disappoint, expecting his things to be taken away from him, not by outsiders, but by near and dear ones (for he had seen his father sell his story books and Nintendo Game Boy he so dearly loved, for a few rupees).
I’ve struggled to give myself that sense of safety, that a child inculcates when they grow up in a home where they are loved and take care of. And, it continues to be a struggle.
What would someone do as they grow up, when they are feeling so rudderless? They try to put some solid foundation for themselves. They try to create a world around themselves that gives them the sense of safety to operate in an unpredictable world. And, this happens in two levels – physical and psychological. Psychologically, they try to come to terms with the indifference of life and the existential questions it raises. But, the fear and unpredictability the child had inculcated is visceral. So, the response to that threat is also visceral. In order to feel safe, the child tries to create ‘physical safe spaces’ for himself.
After moving-in with my grandparents, and feeling relatively safe, I started laying groundwork to create that ‘safe space’ for myself. It started with collecting stuff. Stuff that would make my world. Stuff which, once I have, I could happily disconnect with the world.
Books, cassettes, CDs, DVDs, Blu-rays, electronic gadgets – computer, Walkman, gaming console, I slowly bought them all and as quickly as possible. Because who knew when my good time with grandparents would end. So, I better buy everything I ever wanted. As this collection built up, I noticed another thought kept nagging at me – it was not my house and I didn’t know how long I would be allowed to stay. So, what if I was asked to leave? What would happen to my stuff? What would I take with me if that day arrived? What were my absolute essentials that I’d walk out with? How could I make my collection mobile? What would be in my own mobile castle, that I would carry with me, in my bag, into which I could escape if needed.
So, I felt there was a need for two personal spaces – A larger personal space at home and another, mobile – one that came along with me wherever I went.
Mobile Personal Space:
Physics dictated what I could carry with me. Obviously I couldn’t carry all the books, media and gadgets with me wherever I went. It was physically not possible. So, I turned towards digital. I wouldn’t carry media. But, I’ll carry devices through which I could access that media.
Kindle became my replacement for books, tablet for comics, laptop for my PC, OTT for movies, Spotify for music, mobile with gaming controller for gaming, Evernote/Traveler’s Notebook along with a fountain pen for writing, and Airtel WIFI hotspot to access all content on the Internet.
My mobile personal space now included:
– Camera + 2 Lens
– Godox V1 Flash and accessory kit
– Camera cleaning kit
– Mobile
– Kindle
– Samsung Tab
– Traveler’s Notebook and a fountain pen (with spare cartridges)
– Razer Kishi/Gamesir X2 Pro gaming controller
– Sony earphones
– WIFI Hotspot
– Chargers – for all the above gadgets
If I was traveling I’d also bring along with me:
– Laptop with XBOX controller and Razer Basilisk mouse
– 2 Hard drives (that contain offline copies of my games, comics, and photos)
Personal Space at home:
The larger personal space I had put together at home, now included:
– My library of books, movies, CDs, and games (physical copies)
– A writing table and chair (about which I’ve written in another post)
– Headphones, speakers, gaming and photography accessories
– Stationery
Every philosophy is personal. Everything you do has roots in who you are and who you are is shaped by the environment you grew up in. Trauma is visceral, not just psychological. It alters your brain. To overcome it, you’ll need support. Not just the one you get from loving friends and family, but what you can give yourself. That support, sense of safety sometimes comes when you create your own physical safe space. A space where the crying child in you feels safe again. That’s how healing begins.
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