Looking back from 40

Next month I celebrate my 40th birthday. A number I approach with mixed emotions. Is it mid-life crisis? I don’t know. But, 40 is a number that stops you on your path because you realize that half of your life is over and you are ‘just’ where you are, you are ‘just’ who you are. That plans did not come to fruition, dreams did not become reality, that you did not become the perfect successful person you thought you’d become. But, it’s also a time that reminds you that life did send a few surprises your way. You did meet some good people, you did come some distance from where you started, and you still have some hope left for the rest of the years that lay ahead of you.

We all have this urge sometimes, “wish I could turn back time”, “If I could start over”, I find I’m wearing those glasses more and more these days, given the milestone I’m approaching. So, I wondered, what advice would I give my younger self? Not that I would understand, (because you have to come to truth in your own time) but nevertheless I wanted to put down a few thoughts:

• Life is suffering. Not because you were not successful enough to drive away all sadness. But, because sadness is an inherent part of life. The realization that sun will set, is what makes the sunset beautiful. The realization that people may change or leave is what makes the time with them memorable. So, stop trying to escape suffering.
• Life is alone. No two people see the same sunset. No matter how good a friend you have, no one will ever know your every feeling. This fundamental truth will depress you. But, accept it. Learn to find beauty in the path you walk alone.
• Everything in life has an opportunity cost. If you are doing something, it by default precludes you from doing others, making regret an inevitable path of life. Don’t think you’ll ever outrun regret.
• No one person can be your friend, philosopher, guide, lover. No one person can be ‘be-all’ for you. You may find a friend and a philosopher, but not necessarily in one person. In the same way, you cannot be ‘be-all’ for someone else.
• No one will ‘complete you’. Culture, especially movies put an inordinate amount of emphasis on ‘love’ trying to complete you. While there’s some grain of truth. The reality is, no one can magically make you whole. You will have to stay with your incomplete self. And, that’s ok. Because you cannot stop growing everyday, life will never be complete. Hence, life will always remain an incomplete painting. It’s ok to be incomplete.
• Learn to live with anxiety. You’ll never know what will happen, or how things will change. You can plan and prepare, but understand you’ll never be able to banish anxiety, because that ambiguity will always remain. The more you are able to handle anxiety, the better you’ll be able to handle life’s ups and downs.
• No matter how much you love/like someone, you cannot make them wiser. They will have to come to truth in their own time.
• Everyone is a prisoner of birth. The opportunities you have access to, is greatly limited by where you are born and to whom you are born. Rags to riches stories can be inspiring, but, understand there’s more to the story than that meets the eye.
• Don’t fret about being happy or at peace. The more you want to be peaceful or happy, the more frustrated you’ll become with everything and anything that comes in that way. Peace is arrived at, when you give up the search for it.

“It’s OK to suffer. it’s OK to be alone. There’ll always be regret. There are no soul mates. You’ll remain incomplete. You are limited by your birth. Don’t worry about being happy or peaceful all the time.” This in short would be the advise I’ll give my younger self. Would he understand?