In 1998, when I was in school and discovered Henry David Thoreau in our text book, I was excited. For the first time in my life it felt I discovered a kindred soul, even if it was across the oceans and across time. I loved nature. I rushed to my school library to find a book on him or the book he had written and was famously known for – Walden. But, unfortunately, the book was checked out. When I enquired as to where I’d be able to get a copy, my librarian said, ‘Walden’. I thought she just repeated the book name. But, she smiled at my bewildered face and replied, ‘in a store named Walden’. That’s when the love affair started.
Learnings at Work
As I complete a milestone year at my work, and also moving to a different role & team, a junior colleague asked if there are any learnings I could pass on. Well, I immediately put on my ‘lecturer’ hat and started talking. This is what I told her:
Head Down
I don’t want to advise. I wrote that in my previous post. The depth of my own ignorance astounded me. When you realise there’s hardly anything in your life that you control, that after all the knowledge gathering, thinking & experience, you’d be a bit better, but to then realize you are still clueless about how to live one day without feeling empty & broken, is just disappointing beyond measure.
I recently went through a couple of journal entries that I wrote 4 years back. The issues that plagued me then, are the same that plague me today. Funny, I’m where I was 4 years ago. This just adds to the disappointing aspects of life.
But, you still need to wade through. Live through, till the end comes calling, right? But, how?
Ramblings
Output on the blog has slowed to a trickle. I don’t feel capable of giving advice. I haven’t figured it out. In fact, the depth of what I don’t know has me so overwhelmed that I’m wondering if I should open my mouth at all. When I read old posts like ‘dealing with depression’ I cringe. If it was so easy as I laid it out, why am I still so depressed? No. Life is not so simple. Sometimes band-aids may work but many a times intense soul-searching is needed. The last 1.5 years, have been tough on me. I had seen worse, but, was still not prepared for this. After one glass palace crumbled, I started questioning a lot I took for granted to check for other weaknesses. When you operate from a base, you are safe, you can question other aspects, but are still on solid ground. But, if you are questioning your base then it’ll lead to a lot of insecurity and low confidence. Some ideas I’ve been mulling over the last few months:
A walk in the Woods
Around a year back I bought a Fitbit for my wife which unfortunately was not as appealing to her as it was to me. It got left behind in the cupboard more often than I would like to. So, one fine day, I decided to use it for myself. I had been contemplating on going out for daily walks for quite sometime, but hadn’t started it yet. Using the Fitbit as motivation, I decided to get my lazy ass off the bed everyday morning. But, walks to me were a way of connecting to nature than mere physical exercise. So, my eyes fell on the ‘police line’, rife with greenery, right beside my apartment.