When you grow up in a household with a physically abusive dad and emotionally unavailable mother; in an environment where you don’t know if you’d get enough to eat that week; where you don’t know when you are going to get the cane and for what; where you don’t know if you’ll still be staying in the same house the next month because the rent is not paid, it impacts you.
I couldn’t rely on the adults in the house to attend to my emotional needs, they were unpredictable. I wouldn’t know when I would get into trouble and for what. So, to get through the day, I often relied on my toys to give me emotional succor. I would create a small world for myself in the corner of the family bed with a teddy bear, turtles figurines, a Nintendo Game Boy, and a few books, all handed down to me/gifted by my younger cousin, who used to visit from the US. They constituted the world I would escape into, when I could no longer bear to stay in the house, but had to. These toys were my crutches. The only constants in a household of unreliable adults.
Looking back from 40
Next month I celebrate my 40th birthday. A number I approach with mixed emotions. Is it mid-life crisis? I don’t know. But, 40 is a number that stops you on your path because you realize that half of your life is over and you are ‘just’ where you are, you are ‘just’ who you are. That plans did not come to fruition, dreams did not become reality, that you did not become the perfect successful person you thought you’d become. But, it’s also a time that reminds you that life did send a few surprises your way. You did meet some good people, you did come some distance from where you started, and you still have some hope left for the rest of the years that lay ahead of you.
We all have this urge sometimes, “wish I could turn back time”, “If I could start over”, I find I’m wearing those glasses more and more these days, given the milestone I’m approaching. So, I wondered, what advice would I give my younger self? Not that I would understand, (because you have to come to truth in your own time) but nevertheless I wanted to put down a few thoughts:
Ambling
I love ambling. One of my favourite past times as a child was to walk to the nearest nursery. Taking roads that many don’t, avoiding main roads for bylanes was what I loved. It was just thinking on legs. Looking at plants that jutted through rocks on the pavement and wild shrubs that grew on the sides of the roads. I liked nature and silence. And, walking through the bylanes offered both. But, as I grew up, and relocated to other part of the city, I had pretty much stopped exploring my locality. The increasing construction, asphalt, traffic even in bylanes just killed that passion. But, it never quite disappeared.
I started giving walking a try a few years back, but, it came back as a form of ‘exercise’. That was the time I was into technology gadgets. Fitbit and later Apple Watch were my motivators. I thought since I anyways loved walking, these tech accessories would only encourage me. I would strap them on and walk through the nearby police lines and then KBR park. However, I realised that I now didn’t look forward to going on walks. Because, thanks to technology and me buying into the dominant cultural discourse of ‘being healthy’, my focus had shifted to ‘walking as a way to health and as an exercise’ than as just aimless walking of the past that I enjoyed. I pretty much gave up on it.
Through Covid Hell
10 days back my grandmother tested positive for Covid. Then, a few days later, my mother tested positive, followed by my uncle. They showed mild symptoms and were duly put under medication. It was very scary and I was worried.
Everyday news was filled with one horror story after another. Oxygen crisis in one place, medicine unavailability in another. I’ve known a lot of my own friends and acquaintances lose their loved ones to the disease. So, my fear was palpable. Anxiety was at the extreme. I was worrying about even slight variations in the vitals of not one but three family members.
New Hobos
Home. I’ve written about it quite a few times in the past. It is a topic that keeps coming up in my thoughts time and again because it is something that is close to my heart and because Covid-19 has shown us how important they are.
What is a home? An oasis. A place to retreat at the end of the day. A place we run our lives from. A place we break bread with people close to our heart. A place that protects us. Once the main door is closed, we are off-limits to others. It is a place for self expression. A place to decorate after our own interests. A place that reflects our tastes. A place where our hobbies are given space.