Wakeup call

I witnessed a death couple of days back. It made me sad. Made me wonder, isn’t it the end for everybody? All marching towards the same dead end? We all know this, but we still toil all day long to amass toys and trinkets to be happy. Is this ‘smasana vairagya’(a detachment all experience during a funeral) I’m speaking out of? even if I am, isn’t it true? By the end of that day I was back to normal life – talking to friends, planning the future, worrying about the past – I had moved on. But, the uneasiness remained, unanswered, lurking behind my hopes and dreams shrouding them in a veil of vanity, ocassionally questioning me, what for do we toil? what for do we struggle? “Dust thou art, to dust returnest” isn’t it? but, I pushed the questions back into a remote recess of my mind hoping it’ll not be my fate, hoping it’ll not be my end.

I’ve been unwell over the last month and had to see a doctor who decided to test me for ankylosing spondilytis. (A painful chronic condition resulting in bone stiffness resulting in immobility and in worst cases in disability & death). It scared the bejeezus out of me. I was worried & tensed for two days while I waited for the medical reports. I prayed to all the gods I knew. Illhealth and a (supposedly) close brush with death triggered such a panic. The questions popped up again. It was tough to supress the questions this time. It took some time to understand that I was tackling a question which bothered humanity from the time it existed. And, I was no near to the answer. It was a question I had to learn to live with – as all. Then should I not question at all? No, probably I should keep looking, but, it was not helping me now, at that particular moment. Or, perhaps I should be asking different questions altogether? If life had no meaning, so be it, but, I was determined to have some meaning to my existence. So, I asked, if all I had was borrowed time, what should I be doing? What was/is important to me? What, when I do, gives me a sense of fulfillment? Being what makes life lesss meaningless to me?

Now, I had some answers – Family, Passion & Friends. I wanted to spend time with my spouse, kid and immediate family; secure their future. I wanted to spend time reading all the books I wanted, writing the book I always wanted & getting lost in the virtual worlds of my favourite games. I wanted to have coffee with my friends reminiscing about old times. That’s it. That’s all I wanted to do before I hungup my boots. With what I wanted listed down, I was all set to work. I was going to do something about them daily/weekly, I told myself. Then, I got the reports.

Negative. I had no issues. I was in good health, and the problem was probably just a rheumatic pain. Ah! relieved!!! It was time to party. I rejoiced but vowed to keep my priorities in mind.

Life was back to normal between work, family & home. Today, I sat reflecting on the past two weeks, the sorrow, the tension, the joy, wondering where did the seriousness of my resolve to spend time on the things which matter to me go? ’Cause I was back to my lazy lifestyle. I did make changes in my daily schedules to reflect my priorities, but, I was not at it everyday. I realized how easy it was to fall off course and how tough it was to be disciplined. I specifically did not avoid stuff, it just happened unconsciously. I needed to remind myself of what’s important to me everyday, because motivation doesn’t last, so it is recommended daily. I needed a reminder – daily.

The best of intentions fail without discipline. So, I made a gameplan, ’cause not acting on what is dear to you is as good as not finding it:

• Identify goals – what’s important to you? dont’ wait for a tragedy to be a wakeup call – it might be too late
• Schedule tasks – once you have the goals in concrete terms, chop them into manageable tasks, fit them into your day schedules
• Assess – stop at regular intervals to check progress. Course correct whenever necessary
• Stay motivated & disciplined – daily spend five minutes asking yourself why you are doing this? the answers will give us the momentum to persevere when the going gets tough

Even today I don’t have the answers to the metaphysical questions which bog me. Life still seems meaningless, but, what is now bothering me is “Have I been true to myself? Have I been who I was supposed to be?” I don’t think there’s any pre-determined meaning to our lives; we give it one by deciding what we want to do and what we want to be. Realization is the first step and acting the second. Falling off the path is natural, so should picking yourself up and keep moving forward. That’s the only way we can achieve something – even those new year resolutions we take today.

Happy new year & Good luck.