There are two types of people in this world – one whose basic disposition is ‘joy’ and is occasionally ‘sad’ and those whose basic disposition is ‘sorrow’ and is occasionally ‘happy’. I’m that of the latter. I am a sad soul. I know that in my heart. No matter how happy I am in a day, I know sadness will find me. I’ve been trying to fight it for years, but of no avail. Initially, I thought of these bouts of melancholy was a part of growing-up compounded by my existential stand towards life, but, now I’ve realized that it’s an inescapable & irremediable part of who I am. The thought that, I may be suffering from depression did occur to me, but, this profound sense of sadness was far more mentally incapacitating than depression (which can clinically be administered upon) engulfing my entire self. And, many a times, I’ve felt that I’ve fallen so deep down that I feared I was beyond redemption, but all these times, I knew something in me would rise up to pull me out of the darkest pits of my heart, before it was too late.
All of us are conflicted in one way or the other – this seems to be mine. Many of us go to extreme lengths to deny our inner turmoil by immersing ourselves in alcohol, sex, shopping, work, money, etc. But, denial never seemed right to me. I know it always bites back. The only way out of hell is through it. So, I’ve taken this melancholy in my stride – accepted it as my friend and partner – instead of running to divert my mind with company & comedy, I now look forward to it. ‘Cause, it is in these depths of sorrow & loneliness that I’ve reflected on life, it is in these depths that I saw myself naked, it is in these depths that I confronted my hypocrisies, it is in these depth that I found strength to fight, it is in these depths that I discovered creativity, it is in these depths that I built my character, it is in these depths that I realized ‘perfection’ is illusive in life & the world.
We learn about the world, our relationships and ourselves in sadness. Raj Kapoor said it right in his song:
“Girne se darta hai kyun? marne se darta hai kyun? Gham ko jab tak tu paas na bulayega, zindagi kya cheez hai jaan nahi payega..”
Why are you afraid of falling? why are you afraid of death? ’til you don’t embrace sorrow, you’ll never know what life is all about.
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