Sometimes it feels like nothing that happens is a coincidence. You will find yourself in places, taking decisions that an erstwhile ‘you’ would be surprised. I took one such decision towards the end of November last year. After almost two years of self-doubt & ego crumbling, I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t remember when was the last time I spent a day without being depressed. Depression was only getting worse. I desperately needed time to step back, step away from my daily routine and change my focus of existence from survival. Though, not a religious person, I decided to do Ayyappa Deeksha for 41 days. Something in me instinctively felt that the austerities & daily puja/prayer subscribed in the deeksha was something I needed. Was it a cop-out? In the beginning, yes. But, as days progressed, something in me was calming down. I didn’t want to ‘run’ anymore. I felt increasingly drawn to some power. I was at peace at stretch. All of us cannot be full-time hermits, but thanks to this deeksha, all could be part-time hermits every year. And, probably this was what I needed – a cut from everyone and everything for sometime. It came-in a time when I need it most. Had I done this earlier, I don’t think I would’ve realized it’s importance. Had it come late, I don’t know what would’ve become of me. I had been out on the limb for a very long time.
- Am I what I do?
- Am I what I achieve?
- Am I my beliefs?
- Am I my values?
- Am I my character which these values and believes have forged over the years?
- Am I who my family thinks I am? Who value me for their own reasons?
- Am I who my workplace thinks I am?
- Am I my education?
- Am I my skills?
- Am I my talent? my potential?
- Am I what my friends think I am?
- Am I what I think I am?
- Am I what the society thinks I am?
- Am I what I have? What I own?
Who am I?
I don’t want to advise. I wrote that in my previous post. The depth of my own ignorance astounded me. When you realise there’s hardly anything in your life that you control, that after all the knowledge gathering, thinking & experience, you’d be a bit better, but to then realize you are still clueless about how to live one day without feeling empty & broken, is just disappointing beyond measure.
I recently went through a couple of journal entries that I wrote 4 years back. The issues that plagued me then, are the same that plague me today. Funny, I’m where I was 4 years ago. This just adds to the disappointing aspects of life.
But, you still need to wade through. Live through, till the end comes calling, right? But, how?
Output on the blog has slowed to a trickle. I don’t feel capable of giving advice. I haven’t figured it out. In fact, the depth of what I don’t know has me so overwhelmed that I’m wondering if I should open my mouth at all. When I read old posts like ‘dealing with depression’ I cringe. If it was so easy as I laid it out, why am I still so depressed? No. Life is not so simple. Sometimes band-aids may work but many a times intense soul-searching is needed. The last 1.5 years, have been tough on me. I had seen worse, but, was still not prepared for this. After one glass palace crumbled, I started questioning a lot I took for granted to check for other weaknesses. When you operate from a base, you are safe, you can question other aspects, but are still on solid ground. But, if you are questioning your base then it’ll lead to a lot of insecurity and low confidence. Some ideas I’ve been mulling over the last few months:
Now we will count to twelve
and we will all keep still.
For once on the face of the earth,
let’s not speak in any language;
let’s stop for one second,
and not move our arms so much.
Around a year back I bought a Fitbit for my wife which unfortunately was not as appealing to her as it was to me. It got left behind in the cupboard more often than I would like to. So, one fine day, I decided to use it for myself. I had been contemplating on going out for daily walks for quite sometime, but hadn’t started it yet. Using the Fitbit as motivation, I decided to get my lazy ass off the bed everyday morning. But, walks to me were a way of connecting to nature than mere physical exercise. So, my eyes fell on the ‘police line’, rife with greenery, right beside my apartment.
It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.