Over the last one and half a month I’ve been silent on my blog, I haven’t posted anything. But, I had not given up on writing. In fact, on a whim I started to write fiction. A project which started as a short story soon turned out into an eleven thousand worded novella. But, why did I write fiction in the first place? If you remember I started to write this blog as a test – to see if I have the discipline, drive to take on more writing projects – fiction being one of them, and finally one day I took the plunge. As a kid I enjoyed Chandamama Kathalu, Kaasi Magili Kathalu sitting on the lap of my grandfather. The promise of adventure in those stories was one motivating factor for me to start reading. As I grew up and picked fiction – mysteries, classics, drama, pulp fiction – I still missed adventure. Other than Sherlock Holmes whodunits & Robert Louis Stevenson’s adventures, nothing came close. But, it was with ‘Da Vinci Code’ that I found adventure again. The book seemed to have invented a new genre all together because suddenly the local bookshop’s aisles were filled with similar titles. I don’t want to know how much of that book was true or how much of it was false, all I knew was that it held my attention, and took me on a journey filled with puzzles, cryptograms, danger & history. I loved it. Soon, I followed it with Dan Brown’s other books and then with Sigma Series of James Rollins, Jones & Payne stories of Chris Kuzneski and with Steve Berry’s Cotton Malone. Cheap, trashy books? Say what you will, these books satiated my hunger.
As I walked in to the pantry, I saw my friend sitting on a chair deep in thought, I approached him and asked him what happened. He first denied anything had happened but after coaxing he finally relented and replied more to himself than to me — “Everyday I drag myself to work even though there’s no fun in it. I long to go back home as soon as I’m on road. I pass time at work as mindlessly as possible. I don’t want to think, lest the banality of the work reminds me how much life I’m wasting just by being there. Every night at logout, I pack my bags relieved the day is over and as I walk I feel sad that in our march to the grave, yet another day is wasted.
How to pay the credit card bill next month? How do I get that promotion? How can I afford that house? How to patch up with my manager? Where should I travel with my partner? We are all plagued with these kind of questions every day. We all worry about bills, success, future – a level where we are concerned with day to day living, about gaining material goods, about social status, about mending or forging relationships, about day to day existence, about finding happiness & comfort. This is one plane of our existence. But, we do think a lot more than these materialistic questions; we ask a lot of existential questions too – who am I? why do I get up in the morning? why should I do what I do? why is there so much suffering in life? is comfort & luxury the ultimate goal of life? or is it god? if he/she/it is, then why god? What is truth? Why truth? How can I help others out of pain, etc. another level, which according to me is the second plane.
Why me? in the whole world to talk about money? Simple – because I’ve driven myself to financial hell. I am the best bad example you can parade around. The guy you should not emulate. Over the last 4/5 years when I actually started to sober up and see through my expenses, I understood money management is not just about where to invest, but a lot about our personalities. What money means to each of us is different and subsequently the way we use it. So, it is important to understand ourselves and our inadequacies to understand why we spend in the way we spend. I’ve noticed how people around me spend money and tried to understand why they spend so trying to label them for fun. The list is limited (with no intention of hurting anyone) and not exhaustive. But, I’m sure we may recognize ourselves, our partners, families & friends in this.
What we believe-in, what we are, what we do, what we love, what we feel when we are alone form our character. However, for various reason, we may not showcase our likes/dislikes before others. Our desire to fit-in, to gel well, to be accepted by others pushes us to feign interest in stuff we don’t like or hate what we like – often projecting a different persona by wearing a mask over our true character and show others a different ‘us’ altogether. But, the less the gap between our personality and character, the less we have to lie & deceive and the more at peace and less in conflict with ourselves. The more the gap, the more the chances for a split personality disorder (pun intended). But, the fact remains that we all have a character and personality and sometimes, they are at odd with each other.